Contemplating Life, God, Universe, ALL THE THINGS

Not sure what has been in the air lately, but I know that I am dealing with a lot of heavy things and a lot of other people around me are as well. It has definitely made me sit and think and contemplate crazy existential things over these last few months. All of us are trying to live this thing we call life, and we get wrapped up in the crazy day to day schedules and managing our families and we kind of lose the fact that our lives are precious, and they can be thrown into a whirlwind or taken away at any moment.

I know that as we grow older, it’s just an inevitable fact that we will lose some of the people we love. I’ve been very lucky in the sense that I haven’t had to experience much tragedy or loss, definitely not to the caliber that a lot of people in my life have gone through, including my husband and his family (kind of my first insight to some really hard things). So when I contemplate these big life situations and moments in my head, I sometimes wonder if I really have the place to feel sad or grieve or let out emotions. But I am a very emotional person, and I take on other people’s energies very easily. This is a blessing and a curse and something I have to be very aware of. I’m also a helper and a people pleaser, so I want to fix things, and it hurts my heart when I can’t do that.

I have a lot of people in my life dealing with horrible illnesses or life events with their loved ones, including myself. And I am always amazed at the strength and beauty that some of these people have. It’s an interesting thing to watch and to learn from. Some of them really begin to cherish every word, every moment, every second of their time with their loved ones. Then there are some that deal in a different way, taking charge, dictating the way that their loved one lives their remaining time on this earth (usually without even asking or taking in the wishes of the person who is actually going through the illness), or they just stick their head in the sand and avoid coming to terms with what is happening, ignoring the fact that these next few months might be their last with these people. I realize that this comes from a place of love and fear, and that it is how they are dealing with their emotions and their hurting heart. It just makes me so sad though, because they could spend that time really making memories with their loved one that they can hold on to forever. And that thought of regret just kills me.

We have had some scares in my immediate family in the last few months, and it has definitely started me on this soul searching journey with possibly losing someone close. My step-dad had a very serious heart attack in April, and he is lucky to still be here with us. It scared the shit out of me, and out of my siblings, and for sure out of him and my mom. If he hadn’t driven himself to the ER, he literally would not have made it. I can see the changes in him, he is more involved when we are visiting, he is more open with showing us love all around (not that he didn’t before, but we all get caught up in stress and life), he’s in a better mood, and they finally got on that plane and took that trip to Italy that they kept putting off. Because it is so true, life is short, and you don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring! I’m so thankful that he is still with us and doing much better!

Fact…and I may piss off some of my relations: We are not good communicators in my family, which is kind of funny because we all like to talk a lot and voice our opinions and share things when things are good. But when it gets tough, we have a hard time opening up. I have worked on this for years personally. I used to bottle everything up until it was at a boiling point and I would literally explode with so much emotion and turmoil. I’ve done a ton of soul searching and personal development to help me be able to deal with my emotions and to deal with my energy passengers (taking on others energy and emotions). I really try to communicate with my husband as much as possible, because otherwise I will take things out on him that he doesn’t deserve. But I still have a hard time when it comes to my family. I hate disappointing them, I hate calling them on their shit (it usually turns into it’s own monster because we all haven’t communicated our feelings), and I hate when they call me on mine. It’s still hard to get direct answers about people’s situations, whether it’s health or just a rough time. We self medicate and push it all down and go on with our busy, seemingly successful lives. And that has not been good for any of us, so I try to communicate my stuff as much as I can. I’m pretty much an open book these days, hence this blog, which has been a great outlet for me, even if I don’t publish something, at least I am getting the words out. And it is freeing to share even when it’s not about something good, but it also sucks when it’s not reciprocated. But I can’t force it, so I just keep trying to reach out and not take it personally if I am shut out. I have to keep telling myself that I am only in charge of me.

As I deal with my own fears and emotions through these heavy times, I truly hope that I am the person who is taking it all in, cherishing the time, and really soaking it up. I have always been a person that puts my family and loved ones high on my priorities, trying to schedule visits, family dinners, face time calls, etc. My giant crazy family is very high on my list, a list which consists of 1. my husband and our relationship, 2. my children and our relationship, 3. my family and my friends (who are pretty much family), and then 4. my career and outside passions. Now, more than ever, I am trying to get time in. I want to keep my boys involved so they know their aunts/uncles/cousins/second cousins (we seriously have the biggest family ever, on both my side and Jon’s side), and to be present when we are together. We all drive each other crazy, but we have some serious love for each other.

A lot of people have that list of priorities in their life, and a majority have the first thing as their relationship with God. Going through these last few months, I definitely have been thinking about my relationship with a higher power, which is something that I continually struggle with. I believe there is a God, I believe in the Universe and the power of the universe, I believe in Mother Nature, I believe in energies and miracles and thoughts becoming things and prayers being heard. But I’ve never been the person who had that personal relationship with God. Religion freaks me out, I don’t like the rules and principles and judgement that I was raised with and that I see in our world. Nothing can turn me off faster than someone asking if I have found Jesus and if I haven’t can they please tell me all about it. But I also know that there is something bigger than us, and as I get older, the more I want to cultivate that relationship with that something bigger than myself. I see people posting about their trust in God, that they know that he has a plan, that they are able to talk to him and hear his message somehow, whether it’s through the bible or in their own heads. I’ve read the bible, and I was raised Catholic, and yes there is some awesome stuff in there, but I’ve never had an aha moment when it comes to God.

I’ve explored my relationship with the Universe, and seen the power that it has, and maybe it’s all the same thing. But I don’t have that complete comfort of that personal relationship that I see a lot of my friends having. I have a healer that talks about her connection to The Divine, and she literally gets almost word for word “downloads” from that energy. I’ve searched and asked for something like that to come to me, and I’m hoping that someday it will, but it’s hard for me.

We recently went to an amazing church with my sister and brother-in-law down in Vegas, and I really enjoyed it! My boys absolutely loved it, and I feel guilty that I haven’t yet exposed them to something like that, a community of sorts. I feel like they need something like that in their lives, and that was one thing I did like when I was growing up, was the community. I was still confused (well maybe that isn’t the correct word) during the sermons and a little uncomfortable with people around me just giving themselves over completely to these words or music. But it was welcoming and loving and not judgmental in the slightest, so I think if I could find a place like that, I could open myself up a bit more to explore and learn.

And yes, I have gone off on a crazy, mid-thirties crisis tangent, so thank you if you have read this far. Honestly, my life is pretty damn sweet and I am doing amazing personally, which makes it almost harder to see others going through hardships. While these next few months unfold, I truly hope that the people who are sick will find peace, and the people that surround them will give them the space and grace to do that, while still giving all their support. I hope that they are able to create amazing moments and memories with their loved ones, as I will be doing with mine. And I hope that we won’t get caught up in the crazy as much. I hope we take the time to make memories with everyone who is important in our lives, because we never know what tomorrow will bring. I am so grateful that I have the amazing people in my life that I do, and I continually tell them I love them every chance I get and I hope that they feel the genuineness of that love. Don’t wait to tell the people you love how you feel, don’t let petty arguments, or even huge disagreements or betrayals get in the way. You can still be angry or not ready to forgive something, but still let them know that you truly love them deep down, even if you can’t be in each others lives, because I know that deep down you do.