41st Birthday Eve

It’s my birthday eve and also a beautiful full flower moon, which feels quite fitting if you know me at all! I always try to have a nice full moon soak in the candlelight and tonight I am pondering the last year of my life, the big 4-0! It started out at one of my favorite places (Strawberry Music Festival) with a lot of my favorite humans, but I was actually in one of the darkest times of my life.

I was suffering immensely with my chronic pain condition, putting all my energy into getting through each day, moment by moment, while trying to mask my discomfort from every one around me. Those with chronic pain or illness will understand what I am talking about. I was supposed to be having the time of my life with my bestest people and instead I had one of THE WORST pain flares ever, which ripped away my smile, my mask, and my people had to witness just how bad it can get for me. Being that vulnerable is extremely difficult for me and I was embarrassed and angry that I couldn’t plaster a grin on my face or hide away in my cave until the worst had passed. So, unfortunately, turning 40 was not a pleasant experience for me!

Then, in July, during our family reunion with Jon’s family, an even worse flare hit me and once again, I couldn’t hide my excruciating existence from people who I love. I pride myself on being the helper, the caretaker, the provider of love and goodness, and it was so unbelievably hard to surrender to my situation and let people see me this way, so weakened and to accept the help and prayers they were offering.

When you live in pain every single day, you build up a tolerance, you push past it as best you can, because you have no other choice! It is very lonely and isolating because most normal people don’t understand how we can’t just be fixed somehow, why can’t our doctors figure out how to help us, there must be another solution you just aren’t trying hard enough. They don’t see how sometimes the simplest things can cause our bodies to revolt and attack to the point where we just can’t participate in life for a few days or longer, even when we really want to or need to.

So, last summer was not my favorite time and the doctor I was seeing was completely useless. I left my final appointment with him sobbing uncontrollably after he told me he had nothing else to offer me and I should get a psyche referral. Mind you, this was his asshole reaction to me refusing to let him stick any more needles into my spine & joints, begging him to try something else. Looking back, I believe these pain injections caused these horrific flares (not to mention costing me thousands of dollars, which was probably why he was pissed that I refused to get more), and created unnecessary scar tissue in my spine and SI joints. But, I’m not a doctor so what do I know about my own body that I have lived in for 40 years.

Anyway, I was understandably at a very low point and ready to just accept that I would probably be disabled in a few years, might need to get a mobility aid sooner rather than later, and could possibly even end up needing a wheelchair before I turn 50. Which, there is absolutely nothing wrong with, but it’s a hard thing to envision for yourself at a younger age. I left the pain management practice where I felt I was being horribly treated and taken advantage of, and I just tried to come to my acceptance that this was what my life would be.

In late July/early August, my dad came over and we started talking about my condition (he has suffered with chronic pain for decades, so he gets it) and he mentioned that a friend of his highly recommended a new concierge practice run by a Nurse Practitioner. My dad decided to check it out and get the rundown of what a concierge practice entailed and see what this NP was treating and how much of an expense it might be without using insurance.

He called me immediately after his appointment and said, “Megan, I found your answer.” This Nurse Practitioner specializes in women’s health, hormones, aging, pain management, nutrition, exercise/physical activity/therapies and also incorporates holistic practices into her treatments (which my dad knows I love). So I bit the bullet of seeing yet another doctor, went in with low expectations and little hope, because I honestly think I have medical PTSD from the way doctors have treated me my entire adult existence (it’s hard being an obese woman with chronic pain and past/current mental health issues).

I walked into the waiting area and spotted crystals, candles and incense burning! A giant painting of a mermaid graced a wall. Where am I? Then I met my unicorn! She grabbed me in a genuine hug, sat me down and explained that we were just going to talk and get to know each other. She sat with me for OVER AN HOUR. She validated my experiences, my feelings, we laughed, I cried (a lot), we showed off our tattoos, we sang some 90’s music. And most importantly, we made a game plan for my health and wellness…TOGETHER!

Over the next few months, we found a great combination of meds that were actually working and not giving me horrible side effects. She encouraged me to start Pilates, which I did, to start very slowly incorporating light activity (walking, stretching, etc.), and really listen to my body and not overdo it. I have a horrible habit of going balls to the wall with everything, so it was definitely a lesson in patience and not feeling guilty for taking needed breaks or skipping a certain stretch that I knew could aggravate my issues. I know my body best and I need to give it the respect it deserves and pick up on the cues it’s sending before I go off the deep end.

Working with my unicorn has been life changing. Yes, I still have pain every day, yes sometimes horrible flares that take me out for a bit, but I also have hope for the first time in about a decade of dealing with the bleak reality so many chronic pain patients deal with. We are looked at as drug seekers, liars, insane people just making things up, and we are SUFFERING and losing the battle in record numbers.

I hear/see stories every single day about how we are being thrown away by our disgusting healthcare system, discarded like yesterday’s trash; how we are taking matters into our own hands because we can’t take another minute of living in agony; how we are looking anywhere to find any semblance of relief and, in too many cases, not waking up to another morning because of the illicit fentanyl flooding the streets of our country. I’ve lost too many that did not need to leave this earth so soon. And I was honestly afraid of becoming that statistic because I felt that desperation in those dark moments. Constant pain does things to a person and until you have lived through it, you will never truly understand.

So, as I enter year 41, it is with so much gratitude for how things have turned around this year. It showed me that even in the darkest of dark, if you can hang on to a little spark, it can create a flame within moments, illuminating a new journey you never thought would come to fruition. I know so many of us are struggling through some really difficult moments, grief, sadness, and despair, but if I have learned anything in the many struggles I have endured these past few years, it’s that we have to hang on to the goodness and the little beams of light that come our way each day. We have to hold space for each other, keep sharing our smiles, make each other laugh over stupid shit, let go of grudges or bygones that truly don’t matter, and find something to enjoy every single day…that little spark, even when it feels like we will never emerge from the depths of our sadness or anger.

I’ve heard that your forties are absolutely amazing, a beautiful moment in our lives of acceptance, growth, and self discovery. I started my forties thinking I would not have that experience, but I’m so grateful that I kept pushing through and have started to enter my “Fuck yeah, I’m 40!” era! I’m so thankful to not be the insecure, ever questioning idiot making horrible choices like I was in my 20’s, and I’m so glad to be through the exhaustion of raising my small children in my 30’s, although my boys are my reason for living! My 30’s absolutely rocked until I went through the grief of losing Kelsey tragically, my life long best friend and “person” (if you’re a Greys Anatomy fan, you know).

So, I’m ready to say, bring it on 41! I’m looking forward to seeing what you might have in store for me, cautiously optimistic human that I am. Please be kind…and can we have more friend karaoke nights full of laughter, wigs and being ridiculously weird? With a side of maybe getting my own hot tub? That sounds like a good plan to me! A girl can dream…

If you read this far, thank you for supporting me and letting me have a vulnerable moment and be honest about my truth and my life. It’s never easy to let people in, especially with the subject of living with pain, because the world has strong feelings about us, honestly. But, I’m tired of shrinking into the background and being misunderstood. So, I will be using my voice more in the future. Many people suffer silently and it’s time to be heard and share our stories so we can see some change in the way the world treats us, the chronic pain/chronic illness community. Happy birthday to me and I appreciate you, my dear readers.